Chapter 5: Single Parenting 101

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Part I
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I was not what I thought was a "typical" father as I found single parenting and working are very difficult and time consuming. My premise as a single Dad was to provide balance for my children and to ensure they were available to their mother without a rigid schedule. I wanted them to be comfortable knowing they could see their mom based on a simple phone call.

It was my goal to encourage my sons to participate in non-school activities such as sports and scouting. The youngest boy played soccer, the oldest was a swimmer and both were Cub Scouts. Both tried other sports but we decided to pick a favorite, tie them in with scouting activities and try to get it all accomplished. We were always busy.

I was dedicated to running a "tight ship" and involved myself in schooling and extracurricular activities. When I worked on Saturdays or Sundays my sons would travel to Chicago with me and we could mix in my work with some activities such as going to a museum, ball game or simply eating out. We attended Chicago Cub kid camps and went on tours of Wrigley Field. I led one groups of scouts (18 boys), coached soccer year round and helped out with swim club volunteering when asked. When I worked on Saturdays or Sundays my sons would travel to Chicago with me and we could mix in my work with some activities such as going to a museum, ball game or simply eating out. I taught my sons camping, fishing and we often hiked the Indiana Dunes along the Lake Michigan National Lakeshore.

One missing link through all of this was my boy’s mother. She never attended soccer games, swim meets, or Cub Scout activities including award banquets. She was given schedules and notified of changes or events not in writing. In over 7 years there was zero participation on her part. She set a tone for not caring and this created an inner loneliness for my sons because they naturally wanted a relationship with their mother and wanted her to participate in their accomplishments. My oldest son played trumpet and she did manage to attend one concert over a six-year period. There are no excuses for their mother; we lived locally near her until late 1997. She worked next door to the local high school where home swim meets were held. The single missing link through all of this was my boy’s mother. She set a tone for not caring and this created an inner loneliness for my sons because they naturally wanted a relationship with their mother and wanted her to participate in their accomplishments and in their lives. My oldest son played trumpet and she did manage to attend one concert over a six-year period. There are no excuses for their mother; we lived locally in close proximity to her until late 1997. She worked next door to the local high school where home swim meets were held. She made her choices to not participate.

At the end of 1997 we moved east 145 miles. I admit moving away created animosity for my boys, they weren't completely happy to be so far removed physically from their mother. At times they even became hostile towards me. The move was economic but while the mother did not involve herself in the day-to-day activities of her children she did try to convince them to associate with her male friend and attorney and to view him as "father like." This is factual and came back to me many times because kids do talk. A slow transgression was beginning to alienate me from my boys although I was directly involved in their lives and taking care of their daily needs.

One gift you can give your children is to participate with them, attend their events, ask questions and show your concern. Let them know you love them directly and indirectly. Participate, participate, and participate. My story demonstrates this may not be enough as psychological barriers and emotional manipulation are powerful forces, which may quietly alienate you from your loved ones. My actions of moving and my ex-wife's quiet manipulation began to slowly erode my relationship with both boys. My move was not done with malice or to intentionally separate my boys from their mother but when combined with her manipulation and the work of a dirty judicial system the forces against me were greater than I could have imagined.
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